Mom Guilt (By a working mom During Quarantine)

​Is it bad that I don’t feel bad about NOT working as much as I should be during this pandemic? Does this mean I was secretly meant to be a STAY AT HOME mom?! **gasps** (Spoiler alert: NO). 

Like the rest of the world, we’re currently quarantined at home for what feels like an eternity and our work-from-home/virtual-learning schedule had to be changed for the 17th time after my 5-year-old started talking back to me and instead, began responding much better to my husband's  homeschooling methods. This change means my daily responsibility is to handle our very active and hyper 3 year old and our 10 month old baby who just kinda roams about the house, checking in on her brothers between snacks and naps.  While I find myself enjoying my time with my little ones, and we are doing things I never had time for before like, practicing counting with gold fish, painting on cardboard, and going on scavenger hunts outside together as a family (woah, who even are we right now?!), the flip side of all of this is that I’m not getting as much work done as I should be. Then the feelings of anxiety and guilt start to creep in.  

Do any other working moms feel this? Am I a weird oddity in the trademark personality of over-achievers and Type-A moms in the legal profession because I was secretly meant to be a SAHM?  I think the answer to this question is a resounding "no". While there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM and I feel the utmost respect for those moms who do it day in and day out, I have always wanted to have a career. I have always strived to maintain a steady work schedule that I committed myself to 100% and showed up to put my best foot forward. This was true when I worked part-time clerical jobs during my the summer breaks in high school, and it was true when I went on my own as a solo practitioner lawyer a few years ago when my first son was born.

Yet the interesting thing about mom guilt is that before this pandemic hit and I was working a normal 40 hour work week schedule and was away from the kids, I still felt anxious and guilty about NOT spending enough time with them as well. So I think the lesson to be learned here is that THERE IS NO WINNING in this situation.  You’re a working mom and you’re going feel some kind of guilt - one way or another. That doesn't mean we have to let it consume us though.

How can you deal with mom guilt so that it doesn’t absorb your previous time? How can you recognize and confront these emotions so you can continue living in the moment and enjoy your time with your families, especially now? Here are my tricks.

1. Forget perfection
Think about where the idea of perfection comes from. Who defines what is a perfect mom? Who defines what is a perfect lawyer, or a perfect worker or professional?  While you might have some say in that, chances are these are all ideals defined by SOMEONE ELSE, and  "someone else" doesn’t matter. The only person who should be defining anything for your life is YOU so forget what your boss considers perfect, forget what your friends think is a perfect mom or what you see on social media as portrayed as the perfect working woman - what do YOU think will make you HAPPY?  Have an honest conversation with yourself, you and only you, and decide, what will make me happy (remember, not perfect), but happy. Then strive to do exactly THAT.  

2. Be Nice to Yourself 
When was the last time you took the time to acknowledge what you’ve done so far? Have you worked your way up in your law firm? Have you billed an extraordinary amount of hours in a certain month? Did you win a jury trial? Did your kid eat their broccoli tonight (3/4 of it? Half?) Hey, a win is a WIN and it is all relative. But if you don’t stop to recognize it and give that win, however small, the value it deserves, you’re doing yourself an injustice. You deserve recognition and praise for all that you do and if it's you that has to pat your own shoulder, that’s fine, but make time to actually praise yourself and accept that you have done a lot already. Remember that you are doing a great job and you’ve already accomplished so much, especially in this legal career where receiving praise from superiors or colleagues is not a common occurrence. Don’t forget to treat yourself (with compliments). 

3. Right your Wrongs 
After you’ve acknowledged all of the great things you’ve done both in your career and as a mom now its time to identify where you have room for improvement. Be honest with yourself and single out what changes need to be made. If you feel that you can get more work done for certain clients or cases, then dedicate a block of time in the morning to get those items done before the day really starts with the kids, homeschooling, and your other work tasks. Maybe you feel you should be dedicating an additional hour everyday as 1-on-1 time with your younger kid who is having more trouble at school - block out time during your lunch to help him review his letters (and then squeeze in more work while he’s napping).  Whatever the issues are that you identify, don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to correct ALL of them at once. Try to tackle one per week and make small adjustments in your schedule to address each of them. Be cognizant and mindful of your time invested in those adjustments. Acknowledge that you’re changing your morning routine so you can spend more quality time with your kids or that you’re staying up a bit later at night so you can squeeze in a couple more hours of work that you didn’t get to during the day. By mindfully tackling these issues that are making you feel guilty it will give you that instant gratification of knowing “Hey, I’m working now so that later, when I'm building a robot out of old Amazon boxes with the kids, I will be 100% present and enjoying making memories with my family" and you won't have to think twice about pending workload guilt.  

At the end of the day, everything we do as working moms is really and truly for our families and especially, for our kids. But if you spend too much time feeling guilty or stressed about your work, you may miss out on enjoying these precious, fleeting moments we have with them, and there is no amount of money or paycheck worth that. So let go of the working mom guilt and let yourself be happy.